nigete

Hi, I'd like your thoughts on this...
I'm female, but I've never been feminine in behaviour. And lately I have been feeling more genderfluid, in the sense that I don't really feel like a woman, nor do I feel like I'm a man.
Yet...now, when some friends started calling me a man (this is a whole different story, but in short: my appearence and my part in that group of friends made me a "man" in their eyes, and they've been going along with that / half meant jokingly though...) I was fine with that, even a little happy. I've also been more aware of how people precieve me and how I act in everyday life, and how masculine it is.
All in all I'm fine with that, I'm just afraid that I might be behaving this way because, unconsciously I could be influenced by all the trans- and gender-related things I see online/etc...
How would I know what's real or what's an influence?

I'm sorry if this is unclear or hard to understand, but I don't know how to say it differently.

Hello!

I firmly believe that there's no right way to be a person, or express a gender. Who has the right to determine if someone else's behaviour is "correct" according to their assigned gender? All cultures are different and what may be seen as acceptable behaviour according to the social norms in one country could be deemed incredibly provocative in another. Whether you're male or female.

The only one who can tell you who you are is you. Even though it might be really difficult to determine which parts of your identity come from the core of yourself, and which are influenced by the world around you. I think that, in the end, we get influenced by the world around us all the time, and we create an image of who we are through the norms of society, whether we like it or not. We evolve through our experiences and there's no way to say where we'll end up in the end, through those experiences and influences.

Like you say, you've experienced yourself to be gender-fluid, and I think that sound completely plausible. I believe that gender identity is something that can change over time, just like any other part of your identity such as interests, relationships, life-goals, and sexuality. Some transgender people are certain since early childhood that there is something not right with their bodies, and some don't come to that realization until later in their life. In most these cases though, the people who decide to go through transition have one thing in common; they simply cannot stand to live with the situation they are currently experiencing. Body and mind not working together is extremely frustrating (idk how old you are, but y'know being a teenager, with all those hormones acting on their own and interfering with your intellect is rather frustrating, just as an example), and people whose bodies are so completely different from how they perceive themselves that it hinders them from acting out and being accepted as who they really are are the ones who feels that it is necessary to go through the tiring, frustrating and sometimes socially and economically straining process of transitioning.

I don't know if any of this helped you, but I hope you at least found something useful to help your continued thought-process. I wish you all luck and hope that whatever conclusions you reach in the future, you will be happy with who you are.

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[...] I've been wondering for a while, is the * between trans*man necessary? I'm just curious because no one's ever explained it to me and it seems random. xD [...]

The * in trans*/trans*man/trans*woman is there to mark it as an umbrella term. In the case of transgender people it’s to include any and all variations of gender transcendent identities, since being trans* in no way dictates that an individual has to conform to the gender stereotypes of their preferred gender. I prefer to include the * as often as possible to show my respect for those who express their gender outside of the stereotypes but may or may not identify as transgender.

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Do you still have girl parts like a vag? So do you and Matti have 'hetero' sex? I'm just fascinated.

No, you know what, this is where I draw the line. This question, both the content and the way it’s been phrased, is EXTREMELY offensive.

Not only is it none of anyone’s business “how” my boyfriend and I have sex, but it’s also offensive because of the assumption that all sex between a male and female (because I’m assuming that’s what you mean by “hetero”, and not, for example, a couple involving a transwoman/man and cisman/woman) is the same. I can assure you it’s not. Hetero couples, and gay couples can have sex in so many different ways, and assuming that some of these “methods” are more commonly used by hetero couples, or that all couples with a man and a woman enjoy the same things is just stupid. What defines this “hetero” sex that you’re referring to? Penetrative sex with a penis in a vagina? That’s just as dumb as assuming that all gay men likes it up the ass or that all lesbians hate being penetrated. What about fetishes? Would you go up to a stranger and ask them whether they like being whipped and/or humiliated during sex, for example? I wouldn’t think so.

Secondly, just as a heads up; don’t ask trans*people about the parts of their anatomy which separates them from cispeople of their real gender. The reminder is painful at best, and can trigger all kinds of dysphoric and destructive thoughts and behaviour. Now, since I usually answer questions about my transition, I can see how it would be difficult to know where the line is drawn, but think about it like this; would you ask someone whose gender you’re rather certain of what they’re packing? Girl or guy doesn’t matter. You usually wouldn’t, would you? Trans*people (most trans*people I’ve met at least) just want to be treated the same as the rest of the members of their true gender.

Thirdly, according to who is a vagina a “girly part”? Have you ever heard of Buck Angel? He’s one of the coolest men I know, and an amazing spokesman for the LGBTQ community, who also happens to be the most famous trans* man who has opted to keep and be proud of his vagina. Instead of going though the many costly and stressful surgery procedures, he advocates body acceptance. He’s rather amazing, this guy, and I would love to hear his answer if anyone asked him if he and his wife has “hetero” sex.

To actually answer your question; Mattias and I have sex like two people who are in love and are sexually attracted to one another. I know I didn’t answer your question about vaginas and “hetero” (presumably penetrative sex with a penis in a vagina) and I assure you I have no intention of doing so either, but hopefully you’re still walking away from this with some new insights.

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When I started here, as in when I begun my internship at this Upper Secondary School, I never would have thought that teaching would turn out to be so therapeutic for me. I've been feeling really down about the whole deal with the team at Huddinge the last few days - and before that I was so nervous about the meeting that I got a few really bad night's sleep - and I've worried that it'd affect my performance in school badly.

But instead, I find that the only time when I am feeling really good about myself lately is when I am in class, teaching. When I am with the students, I focus so much on them, there's no way I can still be caught up by what's going down in my own life. It's a great feeling, not only because it gives me a break, but also because it makes me feel so professional because I do it effortlessly. Like I'm meant to do this.

That's my positive entry of the day. I'm hoping that I can stay off the kind of depressing crap I wrote this Wednesday, because that's really not me. At the moment, I'm simpyl filled with battle-rage, kind of, and I can't wait to take the fight to them again.

One of my relatives' (who is very very against my transition and refuses to even call me by my name - despite my parents doing that for me already) daughter has just gotten a tattoo. Topic of discussion; is it hypocritical to claim that I am doing irreversible things to my body which I may regret in the future, but still support body modifications such as tattoos and implants?

Here are some words and terms which may be good to know about when dealing with - well, anyone really, because who knows which ones of the people you know that expresses their gender and/or sexuality differently from the "norm"? Just a few things to keep in mind so you're better prepared to face a situation where gender identity, sexuality and transexualism comes into discussion.

First of all; the trans* related terms:

Transition – the process of “changing” ones gender, socially and/or medically to better match the gender one feels that one should have been born to/has grown up into

Transgender – someone whose physical sex does not match their mental gender. Note: you do not say “a transgender”; the correct term is “a transgender person”

Transsexual – same as “transgender”.

Transsexualism – the medical term for a transgender/transsexual person’s condition

Transman/guy/etc. – a person whose physical sex* is female, but their mental gender* is male

Transwoman/girl/etc. – a person whose physical sex is male, but their mental gender is female

Trans* - a collective term for the different variations of people whose gender transcends those which are appointed to them at birth/by society etc.

* I think of gender and sex as two different things; sex is referred to as the physical sex, the biological and genetic sex, while gender is the mental and social construction of gender according to what is “feminine” and “masculine”. This is just MY distinction, and not everyone may think the same way.

Secondly; the transition related terms:

Top-surgery – the procedure of removing breast-tissue (in the cases of transitioning from female to male) or adding implants (in the case of transitioning from male to female). This is not comparable to getting getting a "boob-job", unless that "boob-job" was made for medical reasons.

Bottom-surgery – the procedure or removing internal reproduction organs and/or reconstruction external sex organs to look more like that of the mental gender of a transgender person

Pre-op – someone who has not yet had top- and/or bottom surgery

Post-op - someone who has had top- and/or bottom surgery

T – short for Testosterone; the hormone which exists naturally in males and gives them a deeper voice, hairier bodies etc. Some females have small amounts of this hormone as well. Transguys gets shots of this to “force” a second puberty which will make them look more like their mental gender. Some people may prefer to not talk about "going on T", in that case the term is "hormone reassignment treatment", which means that you are exchaninging the hormones your body is producing naturally for the ones which will help you go through the puberty which is appropriate for your mental gender.

Stealth – living fully as your mental gender and not explaining to people about your transition – whether it is before the medical procedure or not does not matter

Passing – passing as your mental gender; when meeting new people they cannot tell that you were born as a different gender than the one you are presenting yourself as.

To out/outing/being outed – this is when someone tells people around you for whom you are passing as your mental gender that you were, in fact, not born as what you are now living as. Don’t do this. Ever.

Thirdly; the gender related terms:

Sex – someone’s biological sex. This affects chromosomes, genitalia and what hormones the body produces naturally. Nothing else

Gender – someone’s mental gender; whether they perceive themselves as more masculine or feminine and prefer male or female pronouns and/or how a person expresses themselves in social and/or sexual situations. Note; gender does not have to influence sexuality, as I will soon explain.

Genderqueer – someone who expresses their gender outside the terms of what is “typically female” or “typically male”; they can be neither male or female, more or less oriented towards one of the genders, or both (genderfuid)

Gender fluid – someone whose gender alternates between more male or more female

Secondly, the sexuality related terms:

Homosexual – someone who is physically attracted to members of the same sex

Homoromantic – someone who is mentally attracted to members of the same gender

Heterosexual – someone who is physically attracted to members of the opposite sex.

Heteroromantic – someone who is mentally attracted to members of the opposite gender

Bisexual – someone who is physically attracted to members of both sexes

Biromantic – someone who is mentally attracted to members of both genders

Asexual – someone who is not physically attracted by either sex. Asexuality does not exclude the ability to be mentally attracted to either or both genders

Pansexual – someone whose sexual attraction is restricted to those whom they find mentally attractive. Pansexual people are stereotypically seen as bisexual, although as there are more variations to gender than simply female or male, this is a misinterpretation.

Final note on sexuality: one sexuality does not have to exclude all others. People evolve and change all the time; you can be attracted to a certain kind of people during one time in your life; this does not mean that you can never be attracted to another kind of people later. Everyone is unique, and they perceive both gender and sexuality in a very individual way. Fetishes are also part of your sexuality, for example.

I hope you found this educational and that you will take this with you into real life situations where you may or may not encounter people who express their gender and/or sexuality outside of the “norm”. Please, do remember that these are merely my interpretations of these terms, and that other people can have different opinions of what they mean and in which situations to apply them. If a person is open to talking about such things with you, it’s always better to ask them for guidance.

Just came back from therapy. Apparently, I need to "dig deeper" into certain questions regarding the process of physical and social transition. What fucking questions, I wanna ask. I want to SCREAM at them, that's how frustrated I am. I'm so tired of all of this. So exhausted. I see friends who's started their investigation process either at the same time or even later than me make amazing progress; two of my friends started testosterone this week, and yet for me it seems like I'm still stuck in the same place I was two years ago.

In all honesty, I did get the opportunity to say fuck no to more therapy sessions. I did get that suggestion, but then I'd have a note in my papers which said that this was my own decision, and only mine, while the team actually didn't agree with me. I... was so tempted. I want to move on, I want this so bad, I just want all of this fucking waiting to be over. But I can't. I can't do that, for my family's sake. My parents would never accept it.

I did get to hear the statement by my own psychologist, who retired at the end of last year, and what she had written made me think that maybe I have painted myself into this corner, by acting as calm and collected during meetings as I do. I'm afraid my method of approaching this has made it seem like I don't really want it. That my display of maturity is being mistaken for indifference.

That my patience is being mistaken for acceptance of my current situation.

It's not.

It's fucking not.

The only reason I'm not lashing out and having total breakdowns, is because I'm forcing myself to stay calm and reasonable. I haven't thought it'd help my cause to be overly emotional and temperamental. As a matter of fact, I taught myself not to be as temperamental as I used to be in order to handle this like an adult. But now I just feel like I've gone about this completely wrong. Like I should have lashed out and lost my temper when I was questioned. Like I should have let go and cried more when discussing the prospect of being denied. That I should have, I don't know, fucking sung or something when talking about how I think it's gonna be to live fully as a man in the future.

Screw rationality and maturity, man, let's be an emotional wreck, because maybe then people will take me seriously.

...how about no.

I am a bit calmer now, I've stopped crying like a baby and am starting to feel determined once more. A few more stupid meetings until the end of June; I can fucking do this. Thank you, Charlie, Cece and Max (who came up to me the moment I came in the door to the apartment and was all "in yo space, better pet me 'cuz it'll make you feel better" - and it did) for being there for me when I really, really needed to not be alone with this. I love you.

Hello, first of all, I think you're awesome, and I really admire you and your cosplays. Second, I wondered if you could help me. I am fourteen years old and have, for some time, been questioning my gender. I have told my close friends, but the problem is that I really want my mother to know. I have hinted towards it many times, but she have just shrugged it off, telling me that I am a girl, and that is how it is. But lately, I have been feeling more male than female. I am not quite sure if it is just ~*~the influence of the internet~*~ or what it is, but I really want to figure out what the fuck even I am. I know I am probably too young to be questioning these things, but I really can't help myself when I know the option is there(which makes it sound like I don't mean this seriously, but I do.). I want to tell my mum, and I want her to help me figure this out, but I am also afraid that I tell her too early and end up ruining everything. I just want to figure out what I am and then have people accept me as that. I am not sure if you can help, but I could ask for your advise on this. Say hi to Max and Matti for me and don't forget to be awesome. (I am only sending this to you here because I would need, like, three asks to write all of this on tumblr.)

Hi,

I'm sorry I've taken such a long time replying to this, I've wanted to give myself time to really think about what to say to you.

First of all I hope that you know that at age 14, it is perfectly alright to not be certain about your gender identity, your sexuality, or your identity in general. That's the whole point of being a teenager; to figure yourself out. I know it took me a long, long time and many years of insecurity and lashing out, and while I honestly hope things won't have to be the same way for you as they were for me, I also want you to know that it is completely normal to not be sure about yourself. As frustrating as that can be XD

Secondly, I'd like to say that just because you aren't sure, you don't have to keep your searching to yourself; talk to your mom, explain to her that you are trying to figure yourself out and would love to have her support throughout it, and that she shouldn't try to squeeze you into a pre-decided mould, because you are unique, and she, as a parent is probably more aware of that than anyone else. If you have a good and open relationship, she should be able to respect that what you are going through is just as real and just as important as anything any "adult" would experience.

If you aren't sure she'd listen right away, talk to someone else that you trust - preferably not a friend but someone in a position to help you gain perspective and help you out. Not to sound disrespectful, but when you're a teenager, you are usually very caught up by your own problems and internal struggles, and even if you did want to help out a friend in a tough position, you may not have the possibility to do so because of your own age. So talk to an adult, even if you don't talk to your mom. Most schools have - or they should at least have - a counsellor; that could be a good place to start, because they are - supposedly - educated about these kind of things and have contacts which they can refer you to.

Thirdly; these things could go all kinds of ways. There aren't only two genders, after all. I'd like to say that there are as many gender identities in the world as there are people (same goes for sexuality). No one experiences gender the exact same way as someone else, since everyone has both different experiences with their bodies and how society treats them. What can cause a break between mind and body can both be that you're feeling like your body isn't right for you; that during puberty, it started doing the wrong things. It can also be about the way society treats you and the expectations put on you by other people because of your biological gender.

I think you need to ask yourself; what is it that makes you feel like you're more male than female? Because let me tell you; there's nothing that says you can't just ignore society's rules for what is correct "feminine" or "masculine" behaviour. It might be more difficult when you're young, but if you keep searching and don't give up on who you want to be, sooner or later you're gonna find yourself in a crowd of people who likes you for that person. But I agree with what you seem to be saying; first you need to find out for yourself who that person is. Just don't think that you have to rush the process, neither for your own sake, nor anyone else's. Forming an identity can potentially take a lifetime, because life is about learning.

I wish you all the best, stay awesome as well, and I'll say hi to both of my boys for you :)

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Tags: q and a